05-03-26

Yesterday would have been your birthday.  It will be 16 years on July 31 of this year since you ... transitioned, still have trouble with that concept.  Still have trouble wrapping my brain around the fact that when I call out your name, you are not there.  Oh, you answer, sometimes.  Or at least that is how I like to think, when the answer to a problem I have been wrestling (well, you know me, more like obsessing) pops into my head.  Or when I am cooking and get inspired to try something new. Like the other day when I was supposed to bake brownies for Steph and instead remembered she likes lemon poppyseed cake, so I made that instead. Only when I was getting ready to glaze it, I just got into my head to do a chocolate glaze over the lemon glaze (the chocolate color over the pale lemony yellow looked so pretty) and then take a caramel-filled chocolate bar, chop it up and sprinkle it over the top.  It was darn hard to not take even a sliver of it, it was a Herculean effort in fact.  But I delivered it to her in the very pan you used to bake loaf cakes in, along with some other lovelies for her.  She sounded so sad when we talked earlier in the week and she told me about little Brennan, thankfully the surgery went well and his tests look promising! I've got all my prayer angels on duty.  But she sounded so sad that day and Steph has been such a good, good friend, I wanted to make her something really yummy and have her be the one receiving lovelies, instead of giving them which she always does.  Every time we get together it's like Christmas, she finds the best presents ever.  So, thank you very much for the inspiration to do the lemon and chocolate glazes with the candy bar chopped up.  I know that came from you.

Today I woke up relaxed and happy.  Have been sleeping well again, I'm guessing it's the new meds
which have helped tremendously with the back issue.  I woke up thinking of a conversation I had with someone recently about Heaven.  They don't believe in Heaven.  They believe you just go to sleep until the Day of Judgment.  Did not want to get into an argument (what's the point?), but I did tell them "Listen, you have your beliefs, I have mine.  All I know is, one day I am going to wake up and smell pancakes and my Dad will be in the kitchen making breakfast and my Mom will be in the garden setting up the table, along with my Abuela who will be cutting roses to put in a vase for the table.  My Abuelo will be smoking a cigar, smile on his face looking at them.  And I will be home."  Because that is what you four are to me.  Home.  Plain and simple.  Home.  I don't care if it's a shack by the sea, a cottage in the woods, or an abandoned railway car, if you are there, it's home.

I think you would like my little cocoon.  It is little, but I often think if I had two more rooms it would be ideal for us.  We'd all have our own bedrooms and Abuela would make amazing meals in the little kitchen.  The little garden would flourish year-round, not in fits and starts like it does under my care.  I really have got to get it into shape before Martha and Jock's visit ... in two weeks!  I do  not feed any toads, thank you very much.  Although there is one I have named Professor Toady Woggles, who visits once in a blue moon.  Just plops into the outside cats' (yep, still feeding those, the number varies) water dish, gets it all stinky and then leaves in the morning.  I tried putting another water dish out, but then there were TWO toads.  Oish.

Making vegetable soup and cranberry orange bread today.  That will be my dinner for the week, vegetable soup, maybe yogurt for dessert.  Lots of water.  Trying to eat healthier.  Still make my weekend brunches though.  Pancakes, sausage, scrambled eggs, café con leche and buttered toast with one corner bitten off.  Sometimes I'll do cheesy grits instead of toast.  You did love your grits!  My soups tend to be of the "everything but the kitchen sink" variety.  If it's a vegetable, it's getting chopped up and going in there. They never taste the same way twice.  This one has lots of carrots, tomatoes, little potatoes, corn, red beans, garlic, onions, mushrooms, lima beans and okra.  Smells really, really good!  I miss your soups, Daddy.

I miss talking with you about anything and everything under the sun.  The sound of your laughter mingling with Mom's at the end of the day, while I arranged roses in Mom's favorite vase and listened to your voices.  I miss our life.  Still and all, I do recognize my many, many blessings.  The blessings of simple, everyday things, routine, my faith, my friends, job.  I  have started buying roses again.  Had stopped because of budget issues, then realized I spend more on lunch weekly than what two dozen roses from Li cost, so out went the buying lunch, in came the roses.  I've lost a few pounds and am much happier.  Roses make me smile.

I hope you are having a bang-up birthday celebration in Heaven.  With lots of cake, arroz con pollo,

tostones.  I am thankful for every second you were in my life.  Good times, bad times, rough times, you always had my back.  One of my favorite memories is one day Abuela was telling you I was way too opinionated for someone my age (I was 12) and you said "I will never have to worry about her.  She will always do what she wants and will speak her mind.  She will listen to you and then she will turn around and do what she thinks is best for her."  The time I was heartbroken, you kept trying to get me to laugh and I could not stop crying over this guy you had, since the start, told me was not good. I was in my 20s and thought my world was ending.  I overheard  you telling Mom "I wish I could put both of you inside a bubble so that not even a rose petal could harm you."  You made me feel safe, protected, loved.  Even in the most terrifying, scariest times.  The day we were on the way to the hospital, where both MiaMamma and your brother were fighting for their lives and we were facing a horrific investigation, and I lost it on the way to the hospital, crying and shaking, you pulled over, hugged me so, so tight and told me "Remember, this too shall pass. Have faith."  And it did pass and you, MiaMamma and me built a new life and it was filled with joy and laughter and gratitude.  You remained calm among chaos.  Always admired that about you.  There have been times when that faith you, MiaMamma, Abuelo and Abuela instilled in me since the cradle has been the one thing that's kept me going and, relatively, sane.  My faith, my parents, my life.  A continuous circle.  Never-ending, ever-present.

Give my love to MiaMamma and the Abuelos and everyone else.  And remember, one day I'll be walking around the corner and I'll be home, for good.  Happy Birthday Daddy, you are still my hero.