Overwhelmed





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The past few weeks have been a bit ... topsy-turvy.  After a wonderful, truly happy, best one in years holiday season, I started slipping into a deep funk.  It started with upheaval where I work.  Things have become very tense around my office.  There are rumors, whispers, meetings behind closed doors.  There has been a lot of work, which is a good thing (at least to my way of thinking, because it keeps me busy and forces me to focus on getting it done).  The amount of work has led to (1) a lot of whining about it from those who do as little as possible and (2) even more work and stress for the few of us who actually earn our paycheck.  I try and focus on the fact that eventually the work day comes to an end and it's time to come home.  Friday does, eventually, roll around, blessed be the weekends.  Sometimes I get home Friday night and firmly close the door on the world, others I make plans with friends and we meet for a crack of dawn breakfast and fleaing.  Or I'm at the garden center early in the morning and then spend the whole weekend puttering in my teensy tiny garden, which has gone from disheveled to beautiful to decimated by some creature who has chomped on all the plants, leading me to clear out the planters and planning a garden center run which has yet to take place. The one survivor is my hanging basket of three types of mints, smells sooooo good! Or I have what Hollye Jacobs (bless her) calls a Pajama Day, only in my case it's more of a Pajama Weekend.

Whatever the day, whether during the work week or weekend, my mornings have the same routine, cafe con leche and morning prayer.  No matter how late I wake up, how rushed my morning may be, my morning prayer time and cafe con leche are a must.  Even if it means not putting on my face, I can always do that when I get to work.  True, I may scare anyone I run into, my morning face is not my best look, I can slap on the Spackle, trowel on the makeup once I get to the office.  I battle the Snargles on a daily basis.  They hover at the edge of my consciousness 24/7, I beat them back with a stick.  They will be overcome.  I come from some pretty solid stock.  I try to stay focused on the positive, my favorite blogs (God bless Connie, Frances, Hollye and Martha) help me stay positive.  At times prayer and their blogs are my lifelines.  Because when it seems like the world has truly lost it, they remind me there are pockets of sanity, joy, humor and beauty left.  It's not all destruction and mayhem, although at times it does seem like it.  Without fail, whenever it seems to be the darkest a new post pops up or a new little story appears, as if by magic, and I see the Light once more.  I am reminded to lead with my heart.  Ah, my Whimbles, I do love them so.

People always tell me "Oh, you're so nice" making it sound like I'm some sort of idiot.  But niceness does not equal weakness, as some have implied.  I merely treat others (or try my darnedest) as I would like to be treated.  Do unto others, what a lovely, lovely idea.  Wouldn't the world be a nicer place if people truly practiced this?  To me it sums up the 10 Commandments (you know, those 10 rules people jabber on about, but seldom actually put into practice) in one swoop.  Do unto others.

Lately I have been sliding into a deep blue funk.  I like to think of it as visiting the dark side of the moon.  The atmosphere at work is not a happy one.  Negativity is the rule.  Started buying into it.  No matter how much I do, how hard I try, the mountain of paper on my desk seems to grow, instead of dwindle.  I found myself feeling overwhelmed on a daily basis.  There is always a fire to put out and stress is the order of the day.  It was getting to be an effort just to get up and drive to the office.  Reading the news certainly did not help.  Is it just me or do others think that the world has gone lulu in the past few weeks?  Every morning brings a new horrific incident.  Women raped while others stand by and do nothing.  People going on shooting rampages.  Animals being mistreated.  People protesting at military funerals while claiming to be Christians.  These things bother me.  The negativity seems overwhelming.  You start buying into it and pretty soon find yourself becoming a full-fledged, bona fide member of the Dementor Brigade.  Not a good thing.

Last week at work there was a minor crisis (isn't that an oxymoron?) and after it was over I just sat at my desk, head in my hands, muttering "I can't do this much longer" over and over.  I felt absolutely, completely, totally (get the picture?) overwhelmed.  Someone walked by and remarked "Stressed?"  I just sighed.  Then they asked me "What is stressed spelled backwards?"  I actually had to type the word and then laughed for about five minutes.  Dessert!  It made me see I have been seeing the empty ice cream dish, instead of the cherry on top of the sundae. I sat down and wrote a little list entitled Silver Linings. I need to keep things in perspective.  Does my job blow?  Absolutely.  At times, I could cheerfully walk out.  Then things even out, straighten out and I realize, it's not THAT bad.  could be worse and not being employed would blow even more. I am employed at a time when millions are out of work.  Silver Lining. I am keeping a roof over my head, kibble in my cat's food bowl and paying my bills, Silver Lining, Silver Lining, Silver Lining. My boss happens to be a decent human being. Silver Lining. I have learned so very, very much in my current job. Silver Lining.  Did I mention my boss is a decent human being?  How many can say that ... and mean it?  Silver Lining. Do people act like a horse's rear end?  Without a doubt.  Always have, always will, it's part of the human DNA.  Read the newspaper everyday, you'll see it's true. But, still, even when you are stuck in a sucky situation, you hear about someone being diagnosed with (as Hollye, bless her, calls it) FBC, or a child being sick, or someone losing their life in an accident, and you know?  It's like, really, put things in perspective, I have zip to whine, complain, kvetch about.  There is a lot of muck in the world these days. Yet, there is also good, a lot of it.  But it tends to get shoved to the back of the line.  Usually.  Lately though it seems that the news media has been putting a bit of good news right next to the usual murder and mayhem articles.  Like the story of the little boy that donated his allowance to an animal shelter.  People banding together and marching peacefully, but making their presence felt, saying "Enough."  People paying for someone else's dinner.  People committing random acts of kindness and senseless acts of beauty, love that!

I always remember watching CNN many years ago, there was a group of soldiers (don't remember where, just that it was overseas) patrolling a town where a great deal of violence was taking place, we (the USA) went in to save the day (so, what else is new) and a woman walked up to one of the soldiers and handed him a flower.  Amid chaos, flowers grew.  If that was not the epitome of a "senseless act of beauty" I don't know what is.

Of course, you also have the nimrod who wrote the "I give God 10%, why do you get 18%?" note on their restaurant check.  Then had the gall to sign "Pastor" underneath and THEN when the check got posted online, went and complained to the employer of the person who posted the comment and got them fired.  Wait, it gets better, this "pastor" went on t.v. claiming to have suffered embarrassment.  Never thought their (yes, I know, I use this word a LOT) snarky comment would be posted online. Well, good.  You SHOULD be embarrassed.  You should be embarrassed your snippy note started a domino effect resulting in someone (the person who posted the comment) getting fired.   And you're a pastor?  God help your flock!  Yeah, you're a REAL Christian ... NOT!  But I digress.  Can't help it, part of my DNA.  I start out on one subject and weave and bob onto all sorts of other subjects.  Nimrods who do stupid things and claim they do so in the name of Christianity really bug me.  Puhleeze.

Back to my original rant.  I was feeling more and more overwhelmed by the negativity at work, the contentious working atmosphere, the general muck of it all.  The world is in turmoil, this is a fact.  We seem to be going through some type of upheaval.  I was focusing more on the chaos, the storm, seeing the clouds, not the sun hiding behind them.  I realize that last bit sounds a bit woo-woo, but you know what I mean. Then this past Friday driving home there was a whopper of a traffic jam.  We inched along, bit by bit.  Some nimrod slammed on the horn as if blowing your eardrums out would clear the traffic.  Have never grasped that concept.  "Hmmmm, let's see, traffic is backed up, let me honk the horn, yep, just keep on honking, THAT will solve the problem!  I am an Einstein!"  There are a lot of Einsteins in the fair city which I call home.  Finally saw flashing lights ahead and the reason for the backup.  An SUV in the middle of the highway and underneath, crushed and mangled, laying on its side, a motorcycle.  Blink of an eye.  My heart and prayers went out for whoever was involved in that crash.  The SUV was in good shape, but the motorcycle was pretty well much toast.  It looked like whoever was on it, swerved trying to not hit the SUV, lost control and slammed into the back of it, sliding underneath.  Maybe they were speeding, lost control.  Blink of an eye.  One minute your life is going along nicely, the next your world is shattered, sometimes beyond repair.  Blink of an eye.  Healthy one minute, diagnosed the next.  Blink of an eye.

My GodMother and Mom, long ago and far away

Traffic cleared, I got home, unlocked the door to my pretty, comfortable, sweet-smelling (Eucalyptus Mint from Bath and Body Works) nest.  My cat greeted me with her medley of howls and purrs.  Standing on my porch after feeding the outside felines and watering my minuscule garden, I looked at the night sky and saw the stars.  I always think of my godmother when I see stars.  Her memory always brings a smile to my face.

Earlier this week a friend asked me to email her something I was grateful for, I responded my faith, my parents, my life.  The first equals the second, the second equals the third, the third goes right back to the first.  That is my trifecta.  Yesterday morning I woke up, said morning prayers, thanked the Father for getting me through a very challenging week.  Had my morning coffee and watched a movie.  Started drafting some little stories.  Late in the afternoon there was a wonderful phone visit with one of my Fairy GodMothers.  Texted with another one making plans for a crack of dawn breakfast next weekend.  It's a 3-day weekend, let the crowds rejoice!  Then came the Very Best News of the Day.  My world expanded by one yesterday.  We have a new baby boy in the friemily!  A child I love as my own, who I have known for what seems like forever and who (along with her younger sister) will always be my baby girl, who grew up to be this amazing individual, married and with a baby who is the Most Beautiful Baby Boy Ever, had her second baby yesterday.  A bouncing, healthy, beautiful baby boy.  The Most Beautiful Baby Boy Ever is a Big Brother now.  Blessed, blessed be.  Mother and baby doing fine.  Pictures were texted.  Messages exchanged.  And I realized that yeah, the job may bite, some of the people I work with are not ones I would have chosen.  But I have much to be grateful for.  I thought back to what I had emailed my friend that I was grateful for, my faith, parents, life.  And I was overwhelmed, not by negativity but by gratitude.  We are blessed, we are blessed, we are blessed.

Until next time, keep the faith, be blessed and remember to look for the Light.  It may be hidden behind clouds, but it is there.  I promise you.